Bringing out the best in boy by Allyson Milne

   I have had the good fortune of bringing into this world a set of twins, a gorgeous pigeon pair, and recently another baby boy. I had some idea of the boundless energy boys bring into our lives, but it was not until I found myself sitting with all three of them in the small confines of a homeopath’s consulting room that I full realised the difference between the sexes.

There we are ready for our session; my daughter is sitting upright, attentive, still eager to answer any questions. My eldest son is lounging in the chair tapping away at the sides making his irritation at being there abundantly clear. Every five minutes or so he gets up to inspect the room, mouthing how bored he is. He whistles  distracts his sister, interrupts and cannot understand why he cannot go outside and play.

The baby in my arms and equally as impatient as his older sibling, eager to escape the vice grip I have on him, so that he can explore the new terrain. And in true parenting fashion, I was hoping to have the picture perfect kids sitting attentive and showing the homeopath what a wonderful mother I was.

However due to the abundance of energy in the room this was not to be. The disparity between them could not have been clearer.

These incredibly high levels of energy which seem to cause near heart failure in parents are all due to testosterone peaks, revealing itself in the opposite sex and general restlessness and bolshiness.

Testosterone influences the brain so that boys are more concerned with rank and competition. They need order and will seek it out. If there is not enough order in their lives they find it in the form of gangs or get into power scuffles, either with other boys or parents. Boys want structure and thrive on it. Aggressive behaviour is an anxiety response. It is important for parents to understand what to expect from our boys at different ages. Many parents say that the “masculine”, characteristics

They admire and want to encourage in their boys are courage, strength, responsibility, singlemindedness, straightforwardness, a can-do attitude, solution-orientedness, good humour  and good energy.

The aspects that they want  to channel in a more positive  are aggression, violence, excessively high levels of energy, excessive competitiveness, disorganisation, lack of co-operation and a lack of focus and motivation around schoolwork. So how do we channel this positively?

Provide opportunities for releasing energy– engage in vigorous activities such as soccer martial arts, tennis, jumping on a trampoline etc.

Teach boys boundaries around their physicality

Rough and tumble/play fighting (ideal with dad). This teaches:

Self control– when to stop

Following rules

Managing hurt and upset

Control of physicality

Not to take thing too personally.

Teach boys what behaviour is appropriate where.

Set clear rules, rewards and consequences.  

Acknowledge how much they love to run/shout/ throw– don’t make them wrong for wanting to do it.    

Manage aggressive and violent behaviour.

Build self-esteem through praise– lessens his need to prove himself through violence

Use empathy and listen to your son. Acknowledg his feelings.

Reduce exposure to screen violence

Deep breathing.

Punch bag.

 

     Finding a mantra etc.

     Modelling—be an exemplary role model in all areas.

Teach them that in order to be valued they do not need to be better than the next person.

Model being a good winner/loser, being part of a team working towards long term objectives and making sacrifices to achieve them.

Allyson Milne is a Parenting Coach